The Worst Filmmaker Ever.

Posted: July 7, 2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

In my youth, as a growing devotee of film, I came across a book at the library, titled The Golden Turkey Awards. This book, penned by part-time film critic and full-time idiot Michael Medved, took great pains to mock many of the less-than-stellar efforts by movie makers down the years. In his opinion, Medved bestowed the title of Worst Director Of All Time on none other than Ed Wood, director of Glenn or GlendaBride of the Monster, and the immortal Plan Nine From Outer Space. Talk about edgy; picking on Ed Wood is about as challenging as looking at fish in a barrel.

I’ll be the first to admit that Ed Wood was not a talented writer, actor, or director. His films are difficult to watch, and their imperfections are the stuff of legend. I get that, and I’ll not contest the opinion that surely there must have been other things he could have done better, like maybe selling vacuum cleaners or being a chimney sweep. HOWEVER…Ed had heart, and a genuine love for movies that transcend the quality of his oeuvre and that, if nothing else, sets him apart from the countless number of hacks who commit crap to celluloid with a paycheck, and little else, in mind.

Medved, who I won’t bother to link or tag, was once upon a time a somewhat decent film critic; unfortunately, he decided at some point that he could only review films through the tainted lens of his personal beliefs and politics, completely subjugating the objectivism that is necessary for competent film analysis. And that’s okay, because he makes the rest of us look awesome by comparison. But his empty-headed stance on Ed Wood pisses me off, and I’ll tell you why.

If one is going to attempt to bestow such a title on a filmmaker, there are a great many qualifications that must be considered. In my mind, a truly awful filmmaker must be able to evoke terrible performances from decent actors, must be willing to throw narrative out the window in favor of pretty visuals, put more thought into the trailers than the actual films, and must, above all else, embrace the cynicism of Hollywood which dictates box office receipts are infinitely more important than competent storytelling. With these factors in mind, there can be only one ‘filmmaker’ who is truly deserving of being called the worst ever.

Michael Goddamn Bay.

No other director has achieved the heights of empty-headed nonsense peddling than Bay; his films all but scream at audiences: “I am a big, stupid, expensive movie! I am going to fill your head with noise and overwhelm your senses with crap and you will pay me to do it, again and again!” And it works. It bloody well works. This speaks volumes, not just about Bay’s ability to make people line up to see his tripe again and again, but also about how low the bar for American filmmaking has sunk. We are living in an age when dunderheaded nincompoopery is openly celebrated as popular culture (Honey Boo-Boo and Kardashians? Is this really who we are in the twenty-first century?).

Michael Bay is the storyteller for a generation of idiots, and is largely responsible for helping turn them into idiots, sheep willingly herded into the queue at the googolplex, to watch his latest cinematic turd splash into the empty space where their brains are supposed to be. Moronic dialogue? No problem, just blow something up. Plot holes through which a cow could easily be thrown? Blow up something bigger. No clue what to do next? Easy – just have the stars staring slack-jawed into the distance while the camera spins around them. Take thirty shots where five would suffice, it’ll confuse them into thinking something important is happening. No filmmaker, past or present, better exemplifies the cynical commercialism and bloated-budget mentality that is almost singlehandedly killing the American film industry than this clown.

Advertisements
Comments
  1. Rob Leto says:

    “Plot holes you could throw a cow through?” I got a good laugh out of that one. I personally have become accustomed to potholes. I’ve also become accustomed to bad popcorn (cant always get to the arclight). I do have one complaint though Michael. It’s that you made me Wiki this son of a bitch. He is a son of a bitch, not cause hes adopted, but because he made the autobots such pussies in The Transformers.

  2. I can’t apologize enough for your feeling compelled to seek out the reprehensible turd merchant; I did, but that’s because I think writers should have to suffer for their work. I’ll take the hit so you don’t have to. Because I care that much.

What do you think?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s