Spoiler Alert!

Posted: June 9, 2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , ,

spoiler-alertSpoiler Alert!

Is there no more idiotic phrase in the English language? It sounds like something a third-grader would come up with, and something no one but a fanboy in a severe state of arrested adolescence would actually say, like those guys who are really, deeply, into My Little Pony because seriously, what the hell is that about, anyway? When one considers the sum total of all intelligent and pants-on-head-stupid people using the internets, I am nevertheless amazed that this verbal turd rose to prominence.

Seriously, if I’m talking with someone (in person; it’s kinda like the internets but with faces and the potential for punching) and they actually use that phrase, it takes all the strength I have just to keep from smacking them in the head with a barn beam. Because I should. Everyone should.

Everyone should carry a large, cumbersome piece of lumber with them at all times, for the express purpose of inflicting cranial trauma upon the dimwitted, dunderheaded perpetrators of dipshittery who use that most loathsome of phrases.

I mean, I get it. It’s a phrase of consideration, meant to warn someone that they’re about to see, hear, or read something that might give away critical information at a point in which they’re not ready to receive it. Which is admirable. It’s not what those two words represent that annoys me; rather, it’s the words themselves. I understand we’re only human, and that the internets obliterated the million-monkeys-at-a-million-typewriters theory somewhere around 1996. That said, couldn’t we, as a species, strive for better? A loftier goal that sounds less, well, infantile?

I digress.

The point of this post was, originally, to say that from time to time, I may write a piece about a movie, or a book, or a plate of shrimp, and I’m going to write it as though the reader has already seen, read, or eaten it. And I understand that unless I want to be accused of rampant dickery, it’s on me to devise some sort of warning for those who may not have gotten round to it and don’t yet want to know that Rosebud was a sled, Verbal Kint is Keyser Soze, Deckard is a Replicant, Cobb was dreaming, and everyone on Oceanic flight 815 died in the crash. And Twilight is shit.

So, I’ll be working on some sort of warning, and I promise it won’t sound like something cooked up by an idiot.

Even though it was.

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